It’s only pizza Dawn!

“It’s only pizza Dawn!” A phrase that kept going round and round in my head just a few days ago, along with the phrase “Give yourself a break”

But it wasn’t just about pizza.

It was gluten, cow’s milk, processed food, food I hadn’t made; and it was carbs.

And it triggered the fuck out of me, bringing old wounds to the surface that I have just spent the past few days coming to terms with.

Thinking I had already dealt with these internal demons, I was not prepared to have to deal with them again.

It’s only pizza Dawn.

Maybe to others, but pizza is not just pizza to me.

It is a swollen face, bloated stomach, acne, itcy tingly mouth, gas and churning stomach.

So why did I eat it?

Especially when I know it gives me all these side effects?

Well, it’s mandatory lockdown and the only foods available which are vegetarian are filled with gluten, unless I go sushi, and they were all closed.

Pizza was the best of a bad lot of options available to me.

(And what a reminder this is for all the choices we make in life!)

Do we go without? Or choose the best of a bad lot?

Which is what staying in one place teaches us to do.

But I digress…

Eating the pizza felt so good!

The melted mozzarella, the thin pizza base and the taste of tomato, basil and oregano… hmmmm it was a great pizza.

And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

At the time of eating it.

20 minutes later my face was on fire, I wanted to scratch it to stop the itching.

30 minutes later my stomach started growling and the churning was in full on rampage mode.

An hour later I looked like I was in the second trimester of pregnancy and my face was as puffy as a bouffant in the sixties.

Then the demons of my past crept up slowly and surely.

Words from my ex partner about getting a ‘bit too wide’ after I stopped martial arts following a shoulder injury.

With words from my ex husband telling me I’ll ‘find it hard to find someone to love (me)’.

Then the demons of the years of bullying at school being told “no one loves a fat girl” rose to the surface like a rocket taking off from Nasa.

It’s only pizza Dawn.

But it isn’t, it goes much deeper.

I now currently carry a few extra pounds and a little softer than I was prior to my Atlantic crossing, I am not that overweight.

I could do with losing 5-8kg, toning up and learning to simply accept my body in this new phase of being. 

Ask me to run for an hour, or swim 2 miles, or squat 60kg 4 x 15 sets, bench press 25kg 4 x 12 sets and I can do it no problem.

But no matter, my weight has always been a trigger for me.

I was the ugly, fat sister.

Always the one with the puppy fat.

The one who got bullied by the IT girls at school for being fat and not good enough to be on the various sports teams; which led to years of bulimia.

Bulimia isn’t something which goes away for a lot of people, for some of us we just learn new food disciplines and eating habits.

Gaining an extra 60kg during my second pregnancy due to being hit by HELLP syndrome, and months of inactivity after years of full on daily exercise, including weights, cardio and toning, was hugely confronting for me.

I then lost 62kg after I got divorced, became too thin, then chose to gain 10kg so I had my womanly curves and boobs back again.

And here I am at the age of 42 feeling like a troubled teenager, who is again relearning how to navigate the hormonal changes in my body.

It’s only pizza Dawn.

It may have only been pizza, but it has brought up a lot for me.

Past wounds which need healing, the next level of self acceptance and letting go of the attachment I have to my weight and whether or not a man will love me with all my womanly curves.

It’s been many years since I was in a relationship, even longer since I was intimate with a man.  The last 18 months of my relationship my ex chose beer over intimacy with me.

HUGE lessons in self love and self worth right there!

It’s only pizza Dawn.

Maybe it wasn’t just the pizza.

Maybe it was also the fact I am writing a biography for a client who had anorexia nervosa, and that has brought up some of my old demons.

I have been doing a lot of internal work over the last 6 weeks which has floored me, and had me feeling exhausted on many levels.

I want to go for a swim in the ocean, but can’t; they don’t even have public swimming pools here for me to attend, and even if they did, with the current quarantine laws in place at the moment, I can’t go.

I could do yoga, but to be honest, my love affair with yoga is as on/off as a the fridge light in bored households.

As for the food I now have in my fridge, it is all fresh, organic veggies, with lentils, nuts and organic, sugar free ‘Beast Mode’ peanut butter and fresh organic fruits; foods I love.

Seeing my rainbow food, as I call it, lifts my mood.

Eating it cleanses my body, and fuels my health.

And I know the after affects of the gluten, dairy and processed pizza, even though it was freshly made, is only temporary.

The side effects have almost gone after 3 days, and there are probably another 3-4 days to go before they clear up altogether.

So is it only pizza Dawn?

The negative emotions and thought patterns have been explored, seen, acknowledged and released.  They are no longer an issue; for me.

During these times there are many women, and men, going through similar emotions.  Lack of nutritional foods, lack of daily exercises, people gaining weight, and the stories they tell themselves will probably be having a really negative impact on them.

The struggle with body image is real for so many of us, so let’s remember to be kind to others; and use this time to develop food businesses which serve those of us with alternative diets, neccessary ones as well as choice based ones.

If you have a fitness business, remember for many people a home visit is an essential item on their shopping list.

The governments may not think your trip is essential, but to your clients, you are more than essential, you could be helping them beat the demons.  And if you can’t get to them, call them by phone or have a fitness session by Zoom or Skype.

You could be the difference between someone living or dying.  This might sound extreme, but we never know the demons others are facing when it comes to health, fitness and body images.  Suicide maybe right there at the forefront of their mind.

I have developed some very powerful skills and healing techniques I use, have fitness apps on my phone which support my daily fitness.  Others don’t.

And if you have been thinking about setting up in business, listen to the conversations and read between the posts on your social media feed to what your connections are saying and not saying.

They are telling you what is not being delivered to their door, what they cannot get hold of, and what they are really wanting.

All you have to do is listen, internalise, invest, create and launch.

And ladies, if you are ready to rise, then check out my 21 Day Challenge The Phoenix Rising, because by the end of it you will have all the necessary guidance you need to kickstart your business, global movement or community project.

And remember, when we live to laugh and laugh to live, dealing with the demons of the past get dealt with a whole lot quicker.

Enjoy your pizzas folks!

Ciao for now x

P.S. You can read more about my journey with bulimia and HELLP Syndrome by purchasing my books.  They include information on how to set up in business, how I thrived during the lockdown in Egypt during the Arab Spring, or rather the Egyptian Uprising, and a whole lot more besides.

And then I started crying

This morning I opened my What’s App message from my youngest son, and then I started crying.

“Are we cancelling the flights?” was all he had written; and with this simple questions my eyes filled with tears.

And even as I write this, they are still falling.

You see, they were supposed to be joining me in just 11 days.

Both of them together.

The last time we were together in person, just the three of us, was 14 months ago.

That’s a long time since we were the Travelling Trio on the road together .

Memories flooded to the surface and then I started crying all over again.

I saw them both individually 7 and 8 months ago; and I see them pretty much every day through the screen of my phone or my laptop.

But the thought of holding them both together in my arms, of kissing them both, and breathing them in deeply was a moment I was looking forward to the most.  

Yes we were going to have some incredible adventures around Argentina, but to just be able to hold my boys,

feel them next to me,

to just have them put their arms around me at any random given moment…

these are the moments I miss the most.

And yes, I know there are going to be people out there who will tell me “serves you right, you left them with their dad” and “what did you expect when you left them to go sailing around the world?”

But to these people, I send love, because they are living in judgement of others, without knowing the full story.

You see I dive deep into whether I have done the right thing by leaving my boys with their dad on a regular basis.

I have to.

I dive deep into the emotions, beliefs and challenges which come up for me daily, unblocking any potential blindspots which maybe holding me back.

I know this is only a temporary set back.

A postponement of their visit.

It is not a cancellation of it, just a delay.

And we all experience delays in our lives; and if we are honest with ourselves, we cause a lot of our own delays.

When we just keep moving through the emotions, as I am doing now, the tears stop falling, as they did a few sentences ago.

I have received more messages from my eldest and we are having a family meeting after my podcast interview in less than two hours.

It’s all good.

Emotions when we dive into them help us explore options, get creative and come up with new answers.

I know I am not going to cancel their flights, and the stubborn arse in me doesn’t even want to postpone the flights.

There is something deep inside of me which tells me the fear and hysteria has 11 days to die down and they will still be able to fly.

Governments will come to their senses…. if they had any at all in the beginning, and with the number of people recovering quickly and the breakthroughs happening, I know everything will be just fine.

Will the travel bans be lifted before the boys are due to fly?

Well, that will depend on whether the UK and Argentina choose to step out of fear and work together on this issue.

How likely that is given their history in the past, heaven only knows!

But I am choosing to remain positive.

I can only control one thing, and that is what is going on inside of me.  It is why I choose to eat healthily, it is why I choose to read and watch positive and informative content; and why I choose to write content in the way I do.

I sent my son the Bill Gates Ted Talk on where Bill predicted this kind of outbreak back in 2014.  How many people listened to him? How many people were even wanting to be ready?

And I repeat this last bit… “How many people were even wanting to be ready?”

My son is studying Computer Science, Physics and Further Maths, and loves the world of Dungeons and Dragons… for me he is a beautiful mix of the ancient and the modern, and incredibly smart…

Sometimes a little too smart for his own good, but that’s a different story!

My boys and I message each other daily with Ted Talks, Meme’s, articles, photos and messages of love and cheeky banter.

Without WiFi this global book tour and research trip for my next series of books would have been a lot harder to deal with.

As a mother who loves the outdoor life, I have hated my boys being on their tech so much.

“Get outside and play” I would say to them when they were little.  5 and 6 hour hikes in the Peak District National Park we would take on a Sunday with our dog.

We would spend hours in the park, weekends on road trips, and when we are together, nothing really changes.  We still have mad adventures, and we always will.

This challenge is a different kind of adventure.  Do we postpone or change the flights to somewhere else? Do I move up the Americas to Brazil? Because the event that is planned here in Buenos Aries is now going to be online, which I can do from anywhere.

I wanted to go to Iguazu Falls with the boys, take them horse riding, watch them enjoy ‘the best steak in the world’ and show them the Tango at one of the most amazing theatres here in Argentina, but maybe this isn’t the time.

Maybe it is time for me to move on and meet them in Rio?

Who knows what is going to happen in the next few days, next few hours even!

All we can do is just move forward, feel into the emotions, acknowledge them and allow them to show us what they need to show us, take what is needed from them and then move on.

Right now, for me, it is time to prepare for my podcast interview, have a coffee and some lunch, and then send some documents and workbooks to my clients.

Wherever we are physcially, mentally, financially and emotionally, we also have a choice on whether we stay in that space.  We always get to create a new vision, we always get to learn, we always get to sit and reflect on if where we are, is where we want to be.

This morning I posted some journalling questions on Facebook for those who are resisting being at home, the response has already been an interesting one.

Having just had another message from my youngest, I know he is now home from school.

He has sent a big massive grin through What’s App because I have told him we are not cancelling, just postponing…

And now it is time to sign off here, and go and speak with him, with them both… before I add photos, SEO, slugs etc to the rest of this post, and before my podcast interview, which I will of course share with you here once it is available.

Family first right? And just like this photo shows, my boys and I always create bridges… regardless of where we are.