“I’m only human after all, don’t put the blame on me!” a great song by a great artist, who allows his voice and music to speak for itself.
A song I can relate to, especially after the week I’ve had, and it all started with a comment that cut me deep to the core; opening a wound and pouring a fuck load of salt into it, a wound I thought I had healed from.
All I have wanted this week was to stay in bed and hide away from the world whilst processing what was said, and why it was said.
But I couldn’t bring myself to face it, and as always there is work to be done. Work I can bury my head into. Behind the scences work that didn’t require me being seen or coaching a client, until this afternoon.
A lot of tears have been shed this week. Old fears have arisen and all I’ve wanted is a hug; but travelling around the world by yourself doesn’t have that luxury to it.
So it was down to me to process it all by myself, and so the lone wolf resurfaced.
I didn’t want to bother anyone, especially friends of old because I knew they just wouldn’t get it, and it would have refuelled old conversations and dialogues which wouldn’t have helped.
Am I surprised all this emotion and this realisation has come up?
No, not in the slightest.
Because everytime you uplevel your life and let an old part of you die, something always comes up to test whether you are ready.
For me it is a great reminder that it doesn’t matter how much we rise on our journey, we are only human after all as the song says.
It doesn’t matter how visible we are, how much we inspire others, how much our clients pay us or how we live our lives, each and every single one of us is a human being, and with this gift of life, come emotions.
The good, the bad, the ugly and the down right fucking painful ones.
Letting go of the past is a necessary part of our growth, and this includes people we have travelled with.
I have taken a good hard look at the people who have been in my space and I have walked away from people who have been in my life for almost 22 years.
It’s not because they are bad people, I just don’t resonate with them anymore, and I don’t want them in my life for a multitude of reasons.
I don’t owe them any explanation, I don’t owe them anything.
We became friends through circumstances rather than through conscious choice, and now my level of consciousness is higher than it has ever been, it is time to make better choices.
They say it is a lonely road to the top, and I’m finding this out in many ways. The more I achieve, the less these friends celebrate with me; and with what I have in store I want to make sure I am around people who celebrate success, celebrate each other.
It’s important to me, and as I have said many times before, environment is everything.
Sitting with all these emotions this week by myself has been interesting to say the least.
Moving onto my next location amongst them all, was an interesting living metaphor.
Getting a lot of work done behind the scenes for the next level of life has been the icing on the cake as the week has ended.
Studying and immersing myself into Spanish life by only staying in Spanish only speaking homes and neighbourhoods has taken my Spanish to the next level, and my mind is tired.
I am tired.
And I need to rest, because if I don’t I am not going to be ready for this next level of life.
There’s a lot to get present to, and with milestones set long ago being achieved and very exciting opportunities coming my way, the investments in myself have been more than worthwhile.
I do have to keep reminding myself to take a break from my work, but a lot of the time, it is a nice escape from the emptiness I feel at being away from my children and my dogs.
Will it ever be filled?
I am a mother, and only a human after all. I can’t see into the future, and these emotions coming up are unchartered waters.
Knowing the dream I have been building for the boys and I may never materialise as they get older.
They are making new choices, have new ideas, are wanting different things, so have I set off too early on this trip and lost the original dream of us living together again as a family?
Maybe so, but it’s too late now and I can’t get this time back. I just have to keep moving forward, trusting everything is as it is supposed to be.
Speaking with a friend last night I told him I wished I had never met my ex-partner, but the moment I said it, I knew it was a stupid thing to say.
I have never regretted anything in my life because I know positives always come from the negatives, but the pain and depths of loneliness I have felt this week, have impacted me hard.
I have had my next book ‘Moana’ on hold for a while now as it bought up a lot of trauma, and before I could finish writing it, I had to work through it. I had to process it all, get to the depths of why it wasn’t flowing.
I questioned whether it was because it was fiction, even though this next series of books are all fact based fiction.
Real stories I am ghost writing for others, whilst weaving them into an over-reaching story, a crime against humanity, spanning the globe and generations gone by. An opportunity to change the global discourse on a subject that affects everyone, regardless of whether they like to admit it.
And just like Crossing The Line, these next nine books aren’t just the story of one, they are the story of many.
I questionned which details of these stories should be included, and how to write them without damaging children and reputations.
This series is proving to be my biggest challenge as an author, but one I know I am more than capable of succeeding with, regardless of how big the challenge.
This weekend I will spend time just lying on the grass in the park, meditating, resting, because Sunday I start writing Moana again; and the follow up book Leila, because for the story to flow I am needing to write them in tandem as the ideas between the two characters flow.
It’s a technique which feels right for me, and one I used in my 2nd trilogy, which is also moving along.
This might sound crazy writing two series of books at once, well three if you count The Mermaid’s Guides, but the topics are vastly different, one inspires the other, and just as we read three to four different books at a time, it is more than possible to write several books at once.
It’s something I cover with my author coaching clients, along with many other aspects of becoming an authorpreneur, an author who knows how to make money from their writing instead of just surviving on scraps all the time.
It’s also interesting these emotions have shifted as I am about to invest in my next level of coaching, as well as put the past firmly in the past with all that happened with the #ScotlandSaga as detailed in my last book Crossing The Line.
I also killed off DawneeBe two weeks ago, an identity given to me by Twitter over a decade ago, one which has served its purpose but no longer resonates with me.
I’ve killed off many parts of myself in the last couple of weeks, last month, so this grief was to be expected.
Now is the time I rise again from the ashes, like the phoenix that I am, giving birth to a new life, a new existence, and lots of new and exciting friendships.
And as I end this post, I invite you to think about parts of yourself which no longer resonate with the person you are today, which parts of yourself can you kill off so you can rise even further.
Where can you light a fire under your own arse and burn the past to the ground and rise from the ashes like the phoenix you really, truly are inside?
And if you feel called to share with me, message me here and just know I will be relaunching my 21 Day Challenge again at the end of this month, and it’s with a new name, new branding and new energy.
It’s one of my most potent courses to date, so much so when one of the participants starts it, things start to shift so quicky she is now on her 3rd ago round.
The content is yours for life, and was designed in such as way that it doesn’t matter what level you are at, it is the investment that just keeps growing with you.
So if you are ready to uplevel, ready to kill off parts of yourself so you can rise like a phoenix from the ashes into the woman you know you were born to be, then make sure you subscribe to this blog so you get all the details straight into your inbox, along with other powerful content written to inspire, motivate and edutain you.
With love, as always,
And remember, live to laugh and laugh to live, it will make the evolution process more joyful!